Anyway, I've been backtracking through his postings (since I started at the most recent), and tonight I stumbled across a posting that really touched me:
I just found out that somebody I knew from freshman/sophmore/junior year died less than two weeks ago. Apparently his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend beat him up and somehow he ended up at the bottom of a dam or something. He had head injuries and a cardiac arrest and the paramedics couldn't revive him.
I remember in first year when I sat next to him during one of our first lectures and he introduced himself to me. Four years later, he was still one of the friendliest guys I knew. Although he wasn't a med student, I'd still run into him quite often in the library and we used to have a chat every now and then. The last time I spoke with him was actually, I remember now, it was last month or the month before when he was graduating and we were talking about how excited he was and what he planned to do with his life. And just like that, he's gone...
It's freaky how somebody could be here one minute and be gone forever the next minute. I heard from somewhere that the chance of death, from any cause, in our age group is 1 in 1000 per year. I was surprised initially. However, looking back at the past 4.5 years since I've been in university, I know of 4 people who have died so far. So the statistics aren't so surprising after all; they're outright scary.
It makes me reflect on my life up to this point. So far my life has been a failure. I do much but have accomplished little. I am not good at what I do at the moment (i.e. medicine), and I have lost touch with what I was once good at. In other words, if I were to cease to exist today, it would make no difference to the world's intellectual capital pool whatsoever.
In addition, I have failed to be to the people around me what they have been to me. There have been so many people who have touched my life, some more than others but each in their unique way. I seem to take them for granted, for I've never done anything for anyone in return - I am so selfish. I can only imagine the guilt that shall befall me if one of them were to vanish from existence tomorrow. This and yet each day rolls by and I seem to take no steps towards the rectification of this shortcoming.
So now, not only do I fall short of the glory of God but I also fall short of deserving anything from man. For that, I have no-one to blame but myself.
A needless loss of life is always sad, but it was the second half of his posting that really struck me. Like I said, I know at least a little of this guy's life from reading his blog. He has set up his own tutoring company, tutors many high school students, seems to be financially self-sufficient as a student, and has time to exercise and socialise with a group of close friends. A fairly decent life by all accounts. So for him to say his life is a failure (so far) made me think about my own life. I too am not good at medicine, and I too have lost touch of what I was once good at. I've heard people say that it is unfair to compare, that some of the brightest students study med so it not unreasonable that I am no longer among the best. But sadly my malaise is not just underachievement, but under-motivation and under-application (forgive me for making up words). I seem to lack passion for my studies and can never seem to concentrate 100% in the same way I can for other non-study activities.
I think it is partially it is my vocation; medicine is not something I regret choosing to study, and nothing else interests me enough that I would give up medicine to pursue it. Yet I don't feel passionate about medicine. But must I? Some I know view medicine as a job, as any other job, to put bread on the table and a BMW in the driveway (kidding about the BMW). Others view it as a community service, that they are pursuing for the betterment of mankind. And I know the wider community view seems to be that doctors must sacrifice themselves for their community, and that they are the devil-incarnate if they dare to desire high levels of renumeration. I think my view falls somewhat inbetween; I chose medicine because nothing else seemed more interesting at the time, it was a stable profession that is transferable across geographic locations and always in demand, and it at least enabled me to do something meaningful and worthwhile ie helping people. I always knew other professions paid better and I was OK with that. But I also view it as just a job, so I can have a decent house, be able to pay the bills and send my future kids to a good school. I don't really seem to have any passion to excel, to become a professor of something something. I feel a bit directionless, unsure of my future and what avenues to pursue. I think my only real ambition is to become a competent doctor, someone who won't kill anyone because of their gross negligence. Idealistic aren't I?
Anyway, back to this guy and his posting. As much as he puts himself down, my life seems much emptier than his. One of my big regrets is that I haven't made much effort in regards to my friends. I am by nature a fairly introverted person, but have made a number of friends through highschool, college, and university. But especially since I moved out of college, I have not made much effort to keep in contact with these people, and we have drifted further and further apart. In someways this is a normal thing, people grow and change, graduate and move on with their lives. But still it is sad. And because of my introverted nature (or maybe it is just an excuse), I have not made efforts to meet new people and to expand my social horizons. In many ways it feels safer to stick with what you know and not to extend oneself. I would like to change, but whether I have the strength is another matter.
1 comment:
It is unfair to say your life so far has been a failure. I think it's been anything but.
Its easy to lose motivation and feel such underachievement when you've been studying medicine for 5 or so years and still not "there" yet. I remember in my 3rd year uni (of my 4 year degree), I felt that I am so far in but still not done yet and was seriously beginning to doubt my choices. These doubts are always in full swing during exam times. Believe me, once the exams are over, you'll feel a sense of achievement- a satisfaction that you've jump through another hurdle, unscathed. Sure there will be more exams, more challenges, but you will feel more and more equipped and capable to handle them when their time comes.
Like I said, these self-doubts rise to the surface and consumes your mind during exam times the most. I'm hoping this is the case for you and that you're not in general feeling like a failure. If you have moments like these in the future, you should think of the lives you have touched. Your family. The things you've done for them, the things you've achieved for yourself- I know for a fact that they are extremely proud of you. Your friends. You'd be surprised how much you've influenced them. It might just be small aspects of their lives that they themselves might not notice. But I know this cos I am the type of person who reflect on how, in so many different ways, my family and friends affect me.
It might seem all too cliche and too "life coaching pyscho babble", but I (the known cycnic) can tell ya, its true. All you have to do is take that step out of the rut you've created in your mind, and how a good look around you.
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