Life is Choices

Have you ever felt as though you're being held for ransom? That your life, which you thought was under your control, really isn't?

Have you ever learnt something about someone that you wish you hadn't learnt? Or learnt something that, in retrospect, you already knew but were in denial over, that you wish weren't true?

Have you ever been pulled in two directions, one that your mind thinks is right, and the other that your heart feels is meant to be?

Have you ever had to give up what you desperately desire in the short-term, so you can have what you believe you want in the long-term?

I've got a strange feeling that this coming year will be a make-or-break one for me, in more ways than one. I pray that I've made the right choices so far, and that I'll have the strength and courage to continue to do so. As someone very dear to me has said (as recently as last night), actions speak louder than words.

Ahh Holidays

After weeks upon weeks of stressing over exams, holidays are finally here! Well they arrived over a week ago now, but I was too busy enjoying it to blog about it (funny how blogs are common enough that "blog" is an acceptable verb). Now I do have the time to write about it, since I'm currently sitting at home in NSW and filling days with lazy nothingness that is summer holidays. But I had an awesome six days in Melb before I came back up, and don''t think I'll have the chance to have that much fun in a long time. Some highlights:

06/12/05 - Right after my fracking hard last exam, which I hopefully passed, I went for a farewell dinner with my college friends for Chi and Scarlett, who are going back home to Sydney and going to Japan to work, respectively. Well that was the original plan, but looks like Scarlett's plans may be delayed by half a year at least, but I'm sure she'll get there in the end.

08/12/05 - Almost a year after our original idea, we finally visited the beautiful Mornington Peninsula, only 1.5 hours south-east of Melbourne. Even though I've lived in Melbourne for nearly five years now, and heard many people rave about how nice it was, it was the first time I'd actually been down to Mornington. Beautiful scenery of the coast from Arthur's Seat Chairlift (wish I wasn't told that someone fell off and was serious injured a year ago, when I was halfway down the mountain!), a hedge maze that was actually a challenge, and the breathtakingly remote Cape Schanck.

09/12/05 - Played badminton for only the 2nd time, and the 1st with my gf. We'd been planning to play together all year, and had procured two racquets for myself for that very purpose (one I got off ebay, which was crap and heavy; the other was one mum had in the garage, was older than me but a very good one). So we played and it was awesome, and I was less crap than I anticipated (probably because I used to play a lot of table tennis back in college, and a bit of tennis recently). Then at night, had a birthday dinner for Annie, and it was also meant to be a surprise one for Jimmy and Steven, but nobody told me about the surprise bit! Luckily I only spoilt the surprise for Jimmy, since I wasn't aware of the Steven bit. But guess they didn't care, since they got pressies anyway! Then afterwards we went to Sam's place and played Texas Hold'em and Pictionary, pity we weren't playing for money because I cleaned up in Hold'em...heheh. But that wasn't the highlight of the night. That honour belonged to Yoshi and Alice. Sam's gf Kathy, was trying to set up perennial single-guy Yoshi with her uni friend Alice. It wasn't helped by the fact that Kathy and Alice arrived to dinner late, so they had to site at the opposite end of a long table to Yoshi. Anyway, at Sam's place they talked a bit I think, but knowing Yoshi he'll probably won't make a move...still waiting for his perfect Jap girl I think...heheh

(Yoshi is the guy with blue shirt, Alice is the shortest girl)

10/12/2005 - After over 50 odd years, Ridley College finally decided to close its doors to residential students from next year. While it is slightly sad, since I only left that place two years ago, it is also not totally unexpected, and understandable from the point of the view of the college council. That patch of land that college sits on, in inner-city Parkville, is worth a lot more as new apartments than as the crappy old buildings that sit there at the moment. Also as a college it was the 4th most expensive of the 12 colleges, but definately not 4th best in terms of facilities it provided. Partially it is because of economies of scale (our college is among the smallest), and partially because for right or wrong, the priority of Ridley has always been its theological college (ie training ministers, pastors etc), rather than its residential college. While I have fond memories of the wonderful experiences I had during my 3 years there, including meeting my gf, the college itself is a chapter of my past, and whether it continues to exist or not doesn't really matter much to me, since I would never go back anyway, and I always have my memories. As a celebration of its impending closure, there was a farewell lunch arrange that was fairly enjoyable. Saw a few people I hadn't seen since I left, though sadly the turnout among the people in my cohort wasn't a good as I had hoped. The food was excellent (which is throughly un-college like), and while the speeches were boring, I didn't mind since I just left half way through.

That night, we went to Stokers for dessert. It's this dimly-lit, romantic little pancake place that sells outrageously overpriced thin-pancakes, but is very popular because of its atmosphere and because it is open till 2am. Had also been planning to go for a long time, since we had a 2-for-1 voucher, which made the prices bareable.

11/12/05 - Caught the Puffing Billy train, which is this interesting restored steam-train that winds through scenic areas near Mt Dandenong. Best bit was getting to sit on the window-sill and stick ya legs out like a little kid...hehehe.

I suppose that was the last distinct "event" that occurred, but intertwinned throughout these events was lots of bumming around at home, relaxing, catching up with tv shows, eating takeout; wonderful times that can only be satisfactorily spent with someone whose presence you enjoy, and who you truly love with all your heart! For these days, I am thankful.

V is an Evil Drink

I had my 2nd written paper this morning, 1st one was yesterday morning. It wasn't too hard, a few tricky questions that I didn't expect but only one or two where I had absolutely no idea and had to bullshit like crazy. Was a little bit panicky this morning, since I was really tired yesterday after my exam but couldn't sleep, so I drank 1.5 bottles of V to keep me awake so I could study. But even though I sat there for over 8 hours, it didn't really seem like effective study. It felt like I had this haze around my head. I was so out of it, the V didn't really seem to do much. Well that isn't true, it made me feel physically awake, but mentally I was running on empty. Never had the experience of having to study the same stuff that I just sat a test on, as both tests covered the same material. You would think that having known enough the day before, that I would still know enough the next day, but I find as soon as I step out of the exam room, the stuff I crammed in starts leaking out like a burst dam. And unfortunately I struggled to fill it back up, since it was so hard to remember stuff I read. Then it took me forever to fall asleep and had really light and turbulent sleep, partly because of the V and partly because of anxiety over how little effective study I did. I know I sound like an arrogant arse when I say this, but it was the first time I truly believed I might fail, and it scared me. Now I say this not because I'm some smart-arse who aces all his exams, but because they spend so much money training us that the faculty doesn't really want to fail us if they can help it. So while it is hard to do well, to pass is achievable as long as you turn up to class and start cramming a week or two before exams. Which I do manage to do, as do most people (less than half a dozen fail each semester out of about 280 students, and those that do usually pass their supplementary exams).

But yeah, exams were fine and now I don't know what to do with myself. I have my last exam on Tuesday but it is an oral exam, so I don't need to do much study for that, especially not till a day or two before. I did watch The 40 Year Old Virgin with Alan this afternoon, extremely vulgar but friggen hilarious...hahah...bet every guy wished they had friends like the virgin-guy did.