Near-Death Experience

Had a scary few seconds today. Drove with Alan to Brunswick St to have lunch for Emma's Bday, and was puttering along on the right-hand lane of a 2 lane road. Then this stupid taxi driver who is half pulled over and half in the left-hand lane picking up a passenger, suddenly pulls out into my lane without indicating, when I'm like 10 metres behind him! So I instinctively brake and swerve to avoid him, missing him barely. Then I realise that to avoid the taxi, I've actually pulled out into the oncoming lane -_-" Didn't even have time to think to look for oncoming cars, good thing no cars were coming, especially for Alan since my 6 year old car doesn't have a passenger side airbag! Really highlights how precious life is and how quickly it could all be over.

On a more positive note, here are some pics from Emma's Bday. She turned 25 today, and as the Japanese would say, she's 1 year away from being a Christmas cake!

Blunt

I've been listening to a bit of James Blunt lately after someone told me he was good, and I agree with that appraisal even though I don't normally listen to his style of music. Apparently he wrote his album while he was in Bosnia as an UN peacekeeper, which is pretty amazing considering some/most of his songs are pretty positive. I guess the threat of violence was his muse. Anyway, this is one of my favourite of his songs:

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!!!

Woohoo after 32 years Australia are finally invited back to the biggest party in the world!!! It was worth losing 3 hours of study to watch a little slice of history. I just hope the World Cup isn't too close to any of my exams next year or I'm going to fail!

Mugs

Damn Australia lost 1-0, but there is still the 2nd leg on Wednesday night, so still in with a chance. It was a crap game though, I fell asleep and missed the entire second half. Not that I missed anything important. The Chelsea-ManUtd game last week was heaps more exciting even though the scoreline was the same, really highlights the difference in skill level between Australia and a top EPL club (which are full of international players from GOOD countries).

Slept in today after the soccer, then studied at the law library, then Starbucks and Borders after dinner. Saw these cool Quotable Mugs when I was browsing Borders, here's two I liked:

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

What would I do? I'd find catchy quotations that other people thought up, put them on cheap mugs, call them Quotable Mugs, sell them for $16.95 each, and make a fortune! Hehehe.

Now That's Six-Pack Abs

Had a fairly studious day today. Studied at the law libary for a few hours, then hit the gym with Nima, then came home and cooked something simple. After dinner, I decided to go study at Starbucks on Lygon St. Drove out to Lygon St and ended up spending over 20 minutes looking for a park and eventually parked 5 minutes walk away. Might not seem far but keep in mind that I live about 10 minutes walk from Lygon St. But I wanted to drive since I needed to goto Safeway after Starbucks closed, so guess I couldn't help it. Anyway, all up I think I got about 7 hours of study done, which sadly is a record for me this semester. I remember when I was still living in college, I used to crank out at least 3 hours of study on weeknights and maybe up to 8-9 hours of study on weekends, especially if it was close to exam time. But to be fair, in those days I didn't have to cook and clean, only had 200mb of internet quota a week, and no girlfriend.

So why did I need to go to Safeway so urgently? Well one of the reasons is that I needed some snacks since I'm waking up early (6:30am) to watch the World Cup Qualifier, Australia vs Uruguay!!! Go Socceroos!! Don't you dare disappoint me (and the rest of Australia) again. I still remember Australia throwing away a 2 goal lead at home against Iran. They were 20 minutes away from qualifying for the 1998 World Cup and they choked. Just like every other time.

Headlessfly

As part of my procrastination strategy, I've been reading the blog of this guy who is a med student at the same hospital as me, but in the year above. I was sent his blog by my housemate who stumbled across it while looking up information about the intern hospital allocation process. The guy writes fairly eloquently and interestingly about his life, and his blog is often littered with interesting medical anecdotes and experiences that I don't seem to have for some reason (or maybe I just didn't realise when they occur). He and I share some similarities in that we are both interstate students, asian, and don't do much study. I had an interesting thought, in that if I were to run into this guy at the hospital, I know enough about his life that I would have at least half a dozen things I could chat to him about; yet he knows not even of my existence. Guess that is the nature of blogs; I wonder who is reading my blog. Nobody I don't know I bet.

Anyway, I've been backtracking through his postings (since I started at the most recent), and tonight I stumbled across a posting that really touched me:

I just found out that somebody I knew from freshman/sophmore/junior year died less than two weeks ago. Apparently his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend beat him up and somehow he ended up at the bottom of a dam or something. He had head injuries and a cardiac arrest and the paramedics couldn't revive him.

I remember in first year when I sat next to him during one of our first lectures and he introduced himself to me. Four years later, he was still one of the friendliest guys I knew. Although he wasn't a med student, I'd still run into him quite often in the library and we used to have a chat every now and then. The last time I spoke with him was actually, I remember now, it was last month or the month before when he was graduating and we were talking about how excited he was and what he planned to do with his life. And just like that, he's gone...

It's freaky how somebody could be here one minute and be gone forever the next minute. I heard from somewhere that the chance of death, from any cause, in our age group is 1 in 1000 per year. I was surprised initially. However, looking back at the past 4.5 years since I've been in university, I know of 4 people who have died so far. So the statistics aren't so surprising after all; they're outright scary.

It makes me reflect on my life up to this point. So far my life has been a failure. I do much but have accomplished little. I am not good at what I do at the moment (i.e. medicine), and I have lost touch with what I was once good at. In other words, if I were to cease to exist today, it would make no difference to the world's intellectual capital pool whatsoever.

In addition, I have failed to be to the people around me what they have been to me. There have been so many people who have touched my life, some more than others but each in their unique way. I seem to take them for granted, for I've never done anything for anyone in return - I am so selfish. I can only imagine the guilt that shall befall me if one of them were to vanish from existence tomorrow. This and yet each day rolls by and I seem to take no steps towards the rectification of this shortcoming.

So now, not only do I fall short of the glory of God but I also fall short of deserving anything from man. For that, I have no-one to blame but myself.

A needless loss of life is always sad, but it was the second half of his posting that really struck me. Like I said, I know at least a little of this guy's life from reading his blog. He has set up his own tutoring company, tutors many high school students, seems to be financially self-sufficient as a student, and has time to exercise and socialise with a group of close friends. A fairly decent life by all accounts. So for him to say his life is a failure (so far) made me think about my own life. I too am not good at medicine, and I too have lost touch of what I was once good at. I've heard people say that it is unfair to compare, that some of the brightest students study med so it not unreasonable that I am no longer among the best. But sadly my malaise is not just underachievement, but under-motivation and under-application (forgive me for making up words). I seem to lack passion for my studies and can never seem to concentrate 100% in the same way I can for other non-study activities.

I think it is partially it is my vocation; medicine is not something I regret choosing to study, and nothing else interests me enough that I would give up medicine to pursue it. Yet I don't feel passionate about medicine. But must I? Some I know view medicine as a job, as any other job, to put bread on the table and a BMW in the driveway (kidding about the BMW). Others view it as a community service, that they are pursuing for the betterment of mankind. And I know the wider community view seems to be that doctors must sacrifice themselves for their community, and that they are the devil-incarnate if they dare to desire high levels of renumeration. I think my view falls somewhat inbetween; I chose medicine because nothing else seemed more interesting at the time, it was a stable profession that is transferable across geographic locations and always in demand, and it at least enabled me to do something meaningful and worthwhile ie helping people. I always knew other professions paid better and I was OK with that. But I also view it as just a job, so I can have a decent house, be able to pay the bills and send my future kids to a good school. I don't really seem to have any passion to excel, to become a professor of something something. I feel a bit directionless, unsure of my future and what avenues to pursue. I think my only real ambition is to become a competent doctor, someone who won't kill anyone because of their gross negligence. Idealistic aren't I?

Anyway, back to this guy and his posting. As much as he puts himself down, my life seems much emptier than his. One of my big regrets is that I haven't made much effort in regards to my friends. I am by nature a fairly introverted person, but have made a number of friends through highschool, college, and university. But especially since I moved out of college, I have not made much effort to keep in contact with these people, and we have drifted further and further apart. In someways this is a normal thing, people grow and change, graduate and move on with their lives. But still it is sad. And because of my introverted nature (or maybe it is just an excuse), I have not made efforts to meet new people and to expand my social horizons. In many ways it feels safer to stick with what you know and not to extend oneself. I would like to change, but whether I have the strength is another matter.

The Big A

I think I've got early-onset dementia! Let me explain. I had a session this afternoon at Alzheimer's Australia with some other med students. We heard a guy talk about his father, who started exhibiting signs of dementia in his mid-50s. Obviously I'm not 50, but it really struck home that not everyone who develops dementia is 70-80 years old (though the majority are). Anyway, my memory has been crap for at least the last 3-4 years (I can't remember how it was before that! pun intended). Maybe the explaination is early-onset dementia, though I sure hope not. It was quite touching hearing the guy and another unrelated lady's story about their dad and husband respectively, how difficult it was to see them slide gradually into the abyss until they were not longer the same person. The lady mentioned that when she heard her husband had finally passed away (he was in a nursing home at this point), her first reaction was relief, then guilt at feeling relieved. But she felt the relief understandable and the guilt unjustified, as she had long since grieved over the loss of her husband, and while his body had persisted, the person she married was long gone.

The whole session gave good insight into just how hard and overwhelming it can be to care for someone with a chronic illness, especially one such as dementia (with Alzheimer's being the most common type). It is difficult in a physical sense, with the person behaving erratically and sometimes violently, wandering and doing other potentially unsafe things, often doubly incontinent in latter stages. But also it is confronting in an emotional sense, seeing them gradually change from the person you loved and cherished, into someone who is unrecognisable and often doesn't even recognise you, their loved one. A shell of their former selves. Heart-wrenching stuff...

Anyway, back to my memory problems. It is really quite annoying, and makes study quite difficult. Hopefully it isn't progressive, as it might make being a doctor a bit challenging to say the least. But perhaps it is more an attention problem, rather than a memory problem per se. Since learning things and forming memories requires one to actually pay attention, and my attention span is really crap. I used to read books for pleasure as a junior highschooler, but now I'd be lucky to read through an article on theage.com.au without getting distracted.

Which brings me onto another point...the internet. Great invention (thanks Al Gore). Fantastic source of information, makes the world a smaller place etc etc. I don't need to go on as you've probably heard enough of how great it is. But it is THE most insidious form of procrastination known to man. It is shameful the numbers of hours I waste on the net doing absolutely nothing without even realising the time has passed. I feel really guilty and I've tried cutting back, but still I find myself wasting tons of time on the net (like now, updating this blog instead of studying for my exams, which start in less than 3 weeks). OK time to make a change...starting from now.

Happy Bday to Me!

Hmm can't believe that it has been over 3 months since I posted, shows how exciting my life is huh? :) Well partially that, and also I've been caught up in work and been too lazy to bother writing anything. Well time to make up for it, I'm just sitting here waiting for 3am to roll around, going out with my best ex-college friend Ongy who is visiting for a few days from Malaysia. We going out with him and his bro to watch Man Utd get trashed by the invincible Chelsea...it'll be a sad sight but will be nice to hang out with Ongy after not seeing him for nearly a year.

So what I have been up to since the end of July? well uni-wise, I did a two-week block in an Emergency Dept, was quite fun and exciting at times. Put in half a dozen IV lines, put in an urinary catheter into some old guy, did a few plaster casts, and even put 5 stitches in for this guy who's arm fell onto a metal spike on a construction site. Then had 6 weeks doing psychiatry, which was a very interesting and confronting experience. Made me think a bit more about my own life and why I act they way I do in certain situatitons, and why I (and others too) think and react in certain ways. One pattern I noticed was that a LOT (like over 75%) of patients with psych problems bad enough to be in the hospital have had really fucked up childhoods...things like childhood sexual abuse, physically and mentally abusive parents, etc etc. Makes me wanna be a damn good parent...when (and if) I become one...heheh.

Right now uni-wise, I'm doing this ultra boring rotation called RAPP, which stands for Rehab, Aged Care, Palliative Care, and Psychiatry of Old Age. They all kinda inter-related (ie stuff relevant to old people), but it is so uninteresting it is not funny. Which is why I don't mind skipping tomorrow so I can sleep in after staying up to watch the soccer.

Had a funny day last Thursday. Started with me sleeping in because I turned my phone to silent the night before when I went swimming, and forgetting to turn it back off silent. Luckily I startled awake at 8:30 (had a tute at 9am, at a hospital about 40mins drive away), woke up my housemate (who unwisely chooses not to set his own alarm, and just gets woken up by the noise I make when I get up), rushed like a madman and got ready in 10 mins (which is ultra quick for me, I like to stew over breakfast, eating my cereal while reading newspapers online). Then my housemate and I drive to hospital in seperate cars (because we going to diff hospitals after the tute). Green light turns to orange, I accelerate to rush through the light, remember the $200 fine I got last semester for running an orange light, slam on the brakes, my housemate behind me doesn't notice and slams on his brakes too late... *crunch* what a horrible sound...but the damage was surprisingly minor...a 2-3cm dent on my back bumper, that's about it, no paint chipped or anything.

Anyway, we keep driving and about 15 mins later I'm stuck at a red light behind this school bus full of girls, maybe 13-14 years old? dunno..anyway, they're all waving at me so I wave back for a bit, then look down to check on my phone. Suddenly I see a flash, I look up and one of the girls is holding a digital camera. OMFG...I was half flattered and half weirded out.

But the weirdness doesn't end there...later in the day, I'm in a rehab ward, just finished talking to a patient and her husband, saying my thankyous and goodbyes, then this 40ish intellectually disabled lady (in a slurred voice stereotypical of an intellectually disabled person) goes, "Mmm you're a good-looking sort aren't you? I like the look of you...you have nice dark skin like me." I mutter a quick thanks and get the hell outta there...thinking "uhh you are white caucasian, your skin looks nothing like mine." So that was my day of weirdness...seems the only people of the opposite sex interested in me (other than my beautiful gf, who is normal in a good way) are underaged girls and intellectually disabled women...so how flattering ;)

OK think I've crapped on long enough, I should read through my traumatic brain injury notes before I go watch the game. I'll just leave with a few photos from tonight, went out for dinner with some of my uni friends to celebrate my 23rd Bday: