Randomness 2

1) Top 5 Myths About America
Bashing America, it's all a bit too easy really...but this was interesting, especially myth #4 and #5.

2) Lateral Thinking

3) Interesting article. There's a saying that in war, history is written by the victor. Well this opinion piece expands on that, with reference to the current Israel-Lebanon conflict.

4) Zidane. What can I say that hasn't already been said? A brilliant player whose career ending on a low point. But whether Materazzi really deserved the headbutt (Zidane should've headbutted Grosso instead for cheating Australia), I believe that people will remember Zidane more for his great career and the joy he brought to the masses, rather than this one unfortunately incident that proved that even the greats are human.

What is it with Italian soccer and cheating? The Azzurri did it in the World Cup, now Juventus, Fiorentina and two other clubs are relegated for match fixing. They are a country with so many talented players, why do they need to cheat? If only they were as good at playing fairly as they are at making people pay outrageous prices for pasta dishes (i mean $15 for something that must cost them less than $5? It's just pasta, cream, and tiny morsels of meat!)

One last thing about Italy and the World Cup that really pissed me off. What happened to Fabio Grosso after he cheated Australia for THAT penalty. If there was justice in this world, if one believed in the concept of karma, then he'd have broken his leg the next game or something. But no, he goes on to score the winning goal (and a ripper of a goal) in the semi-final against Germany, then scores the last penalty in the penalty shoot-out in the final to win Italy the World Cup. God is cruel.

Fucking Bullshit!!!!

If you said this new blog template was ugly then I'd have to agree with you. But I changed it so I could display the above picture without it being obscured by the sidebar. It was worth it...classic picture. Read the fine print too. (Click for larger pic)

Randomness

Those who know me know that I waste an awful amount of time surfing the net randomly and unproductively (but at least I am entertained). Thought I might start putting up some of the cool stuff I find, so that maybe others can enjoy (if not, then at least I'll have a record of what I waste my time on).

1) http://duke.a-13.net/
Classic...for all you old-skool gamers like me...who remember playing Duke 3d using keyboard, before Quake and mouse-look came along...haha

2) http://www.hemmy.net/2006/05/19/creative-advertising/
Creative advertising...nuff said.

Omen-y

What an auspicious day to have a baby. Given the date, nobody seems keen to have their baby today. I've been on labour ward this week, and the two deliveries I saw today didn't have much choice. Both were caesarean sections, though one was elective for breech presentation so I guess they could've scheduled it for another day. But the other was an emergency caesarean so it had to be done. I was scrubbed in for both, and it was quite exciting, especially the emergency one, seeing how fast everyone reacted to the decelerations in fetal heart rate on the CTG reading of the baby and got the mother to theatre and got the baby out. And to those women who think that caesareans are the easy and painless way to have a baby, well painless yes, but risk-free it ain't...it is surgery after all. Significantly riskier than vaginal delivery in general.

Yesterday was also strange in that the three deliveries I saw were all instrumental deliveries, two were with forceps and the other was with Ventouse vacuum device. Funnily enough, I still have not yet seen a regular uncomplicated vaginal delivery (which should be the rule, not the exception!). My viewpoint is skewed by such experience, but I am a bit put off having a baby now. I mean I would love to have a baby, but the actual process of birth...not sure I want to put my partner through that. There needs to be an easier way...like the Stork can bring me one in the middle of the night.

Anyway, speaking of today's date, apparently Triple M were offering $1000 to any baby born today whose parents name him Damien. Cute...and the midwives on labour ward were saying that media were ringing the hospital PR department and asking how many babies were born today...and one of the midwives said they should've answered "6"...heheh

My mind is kinda numb from only getting 5 hours of sleep the last two nights, since I have to wake up at 5:30am to get to the hospital by 7am for handover, and I'm so used to sleeping at 1-2am that I struggle to go to sleep much earlier. Plus I have cover letters and application forms to fill in to apply for an intern job for next year, so I should go do that...

P.S. Belated congrats to Stella and Michele! Pity I can't be there for your big day -_-

Fearless

I'm back at home for easter break, and have till this coming Sunday. I would say it has been relaxing so far, but what with the pressure of having to study, and not actually getting much productive study done, it has been somewhat stressful. But it has been fun being back, catching up with family and PS2.

Watched the the latest Jet Li movie Fearless which was really good. Both in an action sense, with awesome fight scenes, and a philosophical sense, covering issues like respect for others and national pride, among others. But strangely, what I found most interesting was seeing not only the fantastic martial arts skills on show (boy are Jet Li's fists fast!), but other shows of skill and ability, like the drummers at the final tournament. To have the discipline to really apply oneself consistently, to constantly strive to improve and to be really really good at something, that is both amazing and admirable. When I look at myself I regret not having that sort of self-discipline, that sort of passion to strive to be the very best at something. The only thing I've been marginally good at was soccer and maths, but in neither was I brilliant, nor did I really try hard to be the best at. Especially now in my final year of uni, I'm getting more and more lazy. Not only am I questioning how I got to the position where I am, but how I am going to cope with the increasing work demands and study demands once I graduate. Hmm... -_-"

On a lighter note, I went surfing for the first time today. It is this council run program where they teach people to surf over 4 days, for 2 hours each day, and today was the 1st day. Was friggen hard at first, especially since I'm a slow swimmer and so paddling out was a struggle, but balancing on the board wasn't too bad and I even managed to stand up on the board twice, albeit for a few seconds only. All in all, it was tons of fun and I can finally (somewhat) understand why surfies want to go surfing day after day and not get sick of it. But I think I'll be quite sore tomorrow...

Closure

I thought I'd share a really lame joke that Shaun told in our PBL tute today (guess you had to be there):

"There are two types of people in this world. Those who don't need closure, and........................"

I think I'm the second type ><"

I found out that a high school friend recently changed his first name. As in he had it legally changed, from his old korean name, to "Mark". Apparently he had a friend who had difficulty getting a job after graduation, but once he changed his name he got a job. So the parents of "Mark", being the typical asian parents paranoid about racist aussie bosses, forced him to change his name too. But in thinking that a name change was the key in getting that other guy his job, I think they are confusing association with causation. An example would be if you look at all the people that had a car accident in the past year, and see how many of them ate bread on the same day of their accident. It isn't unreasonable to assume that perhaps half of them ate bread, so statistically you could say that eating bread is associated with car accidents (as ludicrous as it sounds). But can you say that eating bread actually causes car accidents? Of course not (unless it were alcholic bread or something haha). Anyway, I think I'll still call "Mark" by his old name. I wonder what name I would pick if i were to change mine.

Di George

Suddenly it is nearly mid-March. Been back in Melb for about 5 weeks now, and time has flown. Had a few days off before going back to uni, currently based at the Royal Children's Hospital and it pretty nice place. They say paediatricians tend to be the nicest doctors and it seems to be true, and it is very enjoyable seeing smiling kids and cute babies every day, even though some of them are quite sick. Was holding this 3-4 month old baby the other day, and even though he drooled all over the shoulder bit of my shirt, I was so tempted to take him home! He was so cute! A friend suggested the library should lend out babies, just like books, so we can play with them and have fun, but hand them back when they need a nappy change or start crying...hahah.

Anyway, had some great experiences overall, the most memorable so far was sitting in with two cardiologists as they counselled the family of this 6 year old girl with incomplete Di George's sydrome. Even though she has been sick her whole life and had numerous open-heart operations (for those who care, she was born with pulmonary atresia and MAPCAs [major aorto-pulmonary collateral arteries]), from the half an hour I spent with her, it was obvious she was a beautifully vibrant and sweet child, the kind any parent would hope for. But while she seems fairly healthy at the moment, she isn't expected to live for more than a few more years. Very tragic...I think it is one of the hardest things, for a parent to see their child die before them. But the consultant cardiologist handled it with empathy, compassion, and wonderful kindness, and it was obvious the family appreciated it and walked away confident that everything possible would be done to ensure the best quality of life for their little girl in whatever time she had remaining. I just felt privileged to witness and experience what I did, and if as a doctor I can exhibit half of the qualities that that cardiologist did, then I would be very happy.

But while the experiences have been fulfilling, the study has been stressful. Still kind of in holiday mode, but this semester is about ten times busier than last semester, with twenty times the stuff to study. Trying hard not to get too stressed, and to maintain some semblance of balance between study, exercise, and time with my gf...

Ped vs Car

Anger is a good performance enhancer. Beat my previous best 4km run time by nearly 45 seconds. Maybe I should get angry more often haha.

So haven't blogged properly for a while, mainly because I've been lazy. Guess I mainly use it to vent, as a form of catharsis.

I'm currently halfway through an elective in the ED of Gosford Hospital, just hanging around seeing patients, learning from assessing patients the way a proper doctor would and tagging along with other doctors if they have intersting cases, practicing my IV cannula and venepuncture technique, etc. Saw this interesting trauma case yesterday, the first major trauma I've seen so far. The patient was an old guy who as a pedestrian apparently got sideswipped by a car which had just collided with another car. He was rushed in with a variety of injuries including minor head trauma (GCS 14), a 'degloved' right forearm (ie the skin had been ripped off), significant hypotension (60-70 systolic) among other things. But the gory bit was his legs. On his right leg, he had an open fracture dislocation, with his foot completely dislocated from his tibia, and the distal end of his tibia sticking out of the wound. His left leg had a fractured tibia and fibula, and nearly his entire calf was 'degloved'. It reminded me of doing dissection in my 1st and 2nd years of uni, the way the underlying muscle of his calf was clearly visible. Anyway, it was interesting seeing the ED doctors stablising him, doing the usual trauma stuff like primary survey with ABCDEs, chucking in IV lines, a urinary catheter, and a chest drain for a suspected haemothorax), intubating him, XR of chest/abdo/cervical spine, and basically trying to find any source of bleeding to explain his hypotension, which persisted despite 10 units of blood and 10 units of colloid being pumped into him. The way they reduced (ie popped back in) his dislocated foot was also cool...seeing 3 big boofy doctors straining like mad to get the thing back in. So yeah, it was exciting stuff...beats an office job any day. One of the nurses said it was like watching an episode of ER, but since I've never watched it, I couldn't agreed with him.

Well that trauma patient was yesterday, today I went up to ICU to follow up on him, and he's had his fractures fixated, on fluids and inotropes to maintain his blood pressure, but with his past history of stroke and ischaemic heart disease, and his generally poor condition, his prognosis is pretty grim. Even if he survives and manages to avoid the sequelae of long hospitalisation like infection, DVT/PE etc, it'll still be months before he can walk, if ever. Poor guy. Sometimes I think it would've been more humane if the car had killed him outright. After all, he's lived a long life (he's like 80-90 odd) and he'd definately had suffered less if he hadn't survived. But then, who lives or dies is up to a power greater than I.

Forgotten

Wow I can't believe it, but I am not looking forward to returning to Melbourne as much as I usually do. Of course it will still be nice...but less nice than usual.

It is terrible how easily I get pissed off, over something that in hindsight is probably not that big a deal. But hindsight is yet to come, as I'm not yet past what happened. But knowing me and my poor memory, I'll probably wake up tomorrow and have forgotten why I was so angry tonight. Hopefully.

But yeah, it was less about what happened, and more that I wasn't taken into consideration. Forgotten even. Grr...

Life is Choices

Have you ever felt as though you're being held for ransom? That your life, which you thought was under your control, really isn't?

Have you ever learnt something about someone that you wish you hadn't learnt? Or learnt something that, in retrospect, you already knew but were in denial over, that you wish weren't true?

Have you ever been pulled in two directions, one that your mind thinks is right, and the other that your heart feels is meant to be?

Have you ever had to give up what you desperately desire in the short-term, so you can have what you believe you want in the long-term?

I've got a strange feeling that this coming year will be a make-or-break one for me, in more ways than one. I pray that I've made the right choices so far, and that I'll have the strength and courage to continue to do so. As someone very dear to me has said (as recently as last night), actions speak louder than words.

Ahh Holidays

After weeks upon weeks of stressing over exams, holidays are finally here! Well they arrived over a week ago now, but I was too busy enjoying it to blog about it (funny how blogs are common enough that "blog" is an acceptable verb). Now I do have the time to write about it, since I'm currently sitting at home in NSW and filling days with lazy nothingness that is summer holidays. But I had an awesome six days in Melb before I came back up, and don''t think I'll have the chance to have that much fun in a long time. Some highlights:

06/12/05 - Right after my fracking hard last exam, which I hopefully passed, I went for a farewell dinner with my college friends for Chi and Scarlett, who are going back home to Sydney and going to Japan to work, respectively. Well that was the original plan, but looks like Scarlett's plans may be delayed by half a year at least, but I'm sure she'll get there in the end.

08/12/05 - Almost a year after our original idea, we finally visited the beautiful Mornington Peninsula, only 1.5 hours south-east of Melbourne. Even though I've lived in Melbourne for nearly five years now, and heard many people rave about how nice it was, it was the first time I'd actually been down to Mornington. Beautiful scenery of the coast from Arthur's Seat Chairlift (wish I wasn't told that someone fell off and was serious injured a year ago, when I was halfway down the mountain!), a hedge maze that was actually a challenge, and the breathtakingly remote Cape Schanck.

09/12/05 - Played badminton for only the 2nd time, and the 1st with my gf. We'd been planning to play together all year, and had procured two racquets for myself for that very purpose (one I got off ebay, which was crap and heavy; the other was one mum had in the garage, was older than me but a very good one). So we played and it was awesome, and I was less crap than I anticipated (probably because I used to play a lot of table tennis back in college, and a bit of tennis recently). Then at night, had a birthday dinner for Annie, and it was also meant to be a surprise one for Jimmy and Steven, but nobody told me about the surprise bit! Luckily I only spoilt the surprise for Jimmy, since I wasn't aware of the Steven bit. But guess they didn't care, since they got pressies anyway! Then afterwards we went to Sam's place and played Texas Hold'em and Pictionary, pity we weren't playing for money because I cleaned up in Hold'em...heheh. But that wasn't the highlight of the night. That honour belonged to Yoshi and Alice. Sam's gf Kathy, was trying to set up perennial single-guy Yoshi with her uni friend Alice. It wasn't helped by the fact that Kathy and Alice arrived to dinner late, so they had to site at the opposite end of a long table to Yoshi. Anyway, at Sam's place they talked a bit I think, but knowing Yoshi he'll probably won't make a move...still waiting for his perfect Jap girl I think...heheh

(Yoshi is the guy with blue shirt, Alice is the shortest girl)

10/12/2005 - After over 50 odd years, Ridley College finally decided to close its doors to residential students from next year. While it is slightly sad, since I only left that place two years ago, it is also not totally unexpected, and understandable from the point of the view of the college council. That patch of land that college sits on, in inner-city Parkville, is worth a lot more as new apartments than as the crappy old buildings that sit there at the moment. Also as a college it was the 4th most expensive of the 12 colleges, but definately not 4th best in terms of facilities it provided. Partially it is because of economies of scale (our college is among the smallest), and partially because for right or wrong, the priority of Ridley has always been its theological college (ie training ministers, pastors etc), rather than its residential college. While I have fond memories of the wonderful experiences I had during my 3 years there, including meeting my gf, the college itself is a chapter of my past, and whether it continues to exist or not doesn't really matter much to me, since I would never go back anyway, and I always have my memories. As a celebration of its impending closure, there was a farewell lunch arrange that was fairly enjoyable. Saw a few people I hadn't seen since I left, though sadly the turnout among the people in my cohort wasn't a good as I had hoped. The food was excellent (which is throughly un-college like), and while the speeches were boring, I didn't mind since I just left half way through.

That night, we went to Stokers for dessert. It's this dimly-lit, romantic little pancake place that sells outrageously overpriced thin-pancakes, but is very popular because of its atmosphere and because it is open till 2am. Had also been planning to go for a long time, since we had a 2-for-1 voucher, which made the prices bareable.

11/12/05 - Caught the Puffing Billy train, which is this interesting restored steam-train that winds through scenic areas near Mt Dandenong. Best bit was getting to sit on the window-sill and stick ya legs out like a little kid...hehehe.

I suppose that was the last distinct "event" that occurred, but intertwinned throughout these events was lots of bumming around at home, relaxing, catching up with tv shows, eating takeout; wonderful times that can only be satisfactorily spent with someone whose presence you enjoy, and who you truly love with all your heart! For these days, I am thankful.

V is an Evil Drink

I had my 2nd written paper this morning, 1st one was yesterday morning. It wasn't too hard, a few tricky questions that I didn't expect but only one or two where I had absolutely no idea and had to bullshit like crazy. Was a little bit panicky this morning, since I was really tired yesterday after my exam but couldn't sleep, so I drank 1.5 bottles of V to keep me awake so I could study. But even though I sat there for over 8 hours, it didn't really seem like effective study. It felt like I had this haze around my head. I was so out of it, the V didn't really seem to do much. Well that isn't true, it made me feel physically awake, but mentally I was running on empty. Never had the experience of having to study the same stuff that I just sat a test on, as both tests covered the same material. You would think that having known enough the day before, that I would still know enough the next day, but I find as soon as I step out of the exam room, the stuff I crammed in starts leaking out like a burst dam. And unfortunately I struggled to fill it back up, since it was so hard to remember stuff I read. Then it took me forever to fall asleep and had really light and turbulent sleep, partly because of the V and partly because of anxiety over how little effective study I did. I know I sound like an arrogant arse when I say this, but it was the first time I truly believed I might fail, and it scared me. Now I say this not because I'm some smart-arse who aces all his exams, but because they spend so much money training us that the faculty doesn't really want to fail us if they can help it. So while it is hard to do well, to pass is achievable as long as you turn up to class and start cramming a week or two before exams. Which I do manage to do, as do most people (less than half a dozen fail each semester out of about 280 students, and those that do usually pass their supplementary exams).

But yeah, exams were fine and now I don't know what to do with myself. I have my last exam on Tuesday but it is an oral exam, so I don't need to do much study for that, especially not till a day or two before. I did watch The 40 Year Old Virgin with Alan this afternoon, extremely vulgar but friggen hilarious...hahah...bet every guy wished they had friends like the virgin-guy did.

Near-Death Experience

Had a scary few seconds today. Drove with Alan to Brunswick St to have lunch for Emma's Bday, and was puttering along on the right-hand lane of a 2 lane road. Then this stupid taxi driver who is half pulled over and half in the left-hand lane picking up a passenger, suddenly pulls out into my lane without indicating, when I'm like 10 metres behind him! So I instinctively brake and swerve to avoid him, missing him barely. Then I realise that to avoid the taxi, I've actually pulled out into the oncoming lane -_-" Didn't even have time to think to look for oncoming cars, good thing no cars were coming, especially for Alan since my 6 year old car doesn't have a passenger side airbag! Really highlights how precious life is and how quickly it could all be over.

On a more positive note, here are some pics from Emma's Bday. She turned 25 today, and as the Japanese would say, she's 1 year away from being a Christmas cake!

Blunt

I've been listening to a bit of James Blunt lately after someone told me he was good, and I agree with that appraisal even though I don't normally listen to his style of music. Apparently he wrote his album while he was in Bosnia as an UN peacekeeper, which is pretty amazing considering some/most of his songs are pretty positive. I guess the threat of violence was his muse. Anyway, this is one of my favourite of his songs:

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!!!

Woohoo after 32 years Australia are finally invited back to the biggest party in the world!!! It was worth losing 3 hours of study to watch a little slice of history. I just hope the World Cup isn't too close to any of my exams next year or I'm going to fail!

Mugs

Damn Australia lost 1-0, but there is still the 2nd leg on Wednesday night, so still in with a chance. It was a crap game though, I fell asleep and missed the entire second half. Not that I missed anything important. The Chelsea-ManUtd game last week was heaps more exciting even though the scoreline was the same, really highlights the difference in skill level between Australia and a top EPL club (which are full of international players from GOOD countries).

Slept in today after the soccer, then studied at the law library, then Starbucks and Borders after dinner. Saw these cool Quotable Mugs when I was browsing Borders, here's two I liked:

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."
"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

What would I do? I'd find catchy quotations that other people thought up, put them on cheap mugs, call them Quotable Mugs, sell them for $16.95 each, and make a fortune! Hehehe.

Now That's Six-Pack Abs

Had a fairly studious day today. Studied at the law libary for a few hours, then hit the gym with Nima, then came home and cooked something simple. After dinner, I decided to go study at Starbucks on Lygon St. Drove out to Lygon St and ended up spending over 20 minutes looking for a park and eventually parked 5 minutes walk away. Might not seem far but keep in mind that I live about 10 minutes walk from Lygon St. But I wanted to drive since I needed to goto Safeway after Starbucks closed, so guess I couldn't help it. Anyway, all up I think I got about 7 hours of study done, which sadly is a record for me this semester. I remember when I was still living in college, I used to crank out at least 3 hours of study on weeknights and maybe up to 8-9 hours of study on weekends, especially if it was close to exam time. But to be fair, in those days I didn't have to cook and clean, only had 200mb of internet quota a week, and no girlfriend.

So why did I need to go to Safeway so urgently? Well one of the reasons is that I needed some snacks since I'm waking up early (6:30am) to watch the World Cup Qualifier, Australia vs Uruguay!!! Go Socceroos!! Don't you dare disappoint me (and the rest of Australia) again. I still remember Australia throwing away a 2 goal lead at home against Iran. They were 20 minutes away from qualifying for the 1998 World Cup and they choked. Just like every other time.

Headlessfly

As part of my procrastination strategy, I've been reading the blog of this guy who is a med student at the same hospital as me, but in the year above. I was sent his blog by my housemate who stumbled across it while looking up information about the intern hospital allocation process. The guy writes fairly eloquently and interestingly about his life, and his blog is often littered with interesting medical anecdotes and experiences that I don't seem to have for some reason (or maybe I just didn't realise when they occur). He and I share some similarities in that we are both interstate students, asian, and don't do much study. I had an interesting thought, in that if I were to run into this guy at the hospital, I know enough about his life that I would have at least half a dozen things I could chat to him about; yet he knows not even of my existence. Guess that is the nature of blogs; I wonder who is reading my blog. Nobody I don't know I bet.

Anyway, I've been backtracking through his postings (since I started at the most recent), and tonight I stumbled across a posting that really touched me:

I just found out that somebody I knew from freshman/sophmore/junior year died less than two weeks ago. Apparently his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend beat him up and somehow he ended up at the bottom of a dam or something. He had head injuries and a cardiac arrest and the paramedics couldn't revive him.

I remember in first year when I sat next to him during one of our first lectures and he introduced himself to me. Four years later, he was still one of the friendliest guys I knew. Although he wasn't a med student, I'd still run into him quite often in the library and we used to have a chat every now and then. The last time I spoke with him was actually, I remember now, it was last month or the month before when he was graduating and we were talking about how excited he was and what he planned to do with his life. And just like that, he's gone...

It's freaky how somebody could be here one minute and be gone forever the next minute. I heard from somewhere that the chance of death, from any cause, in our age group is 1 in 1000 per year. I was surprised initially. However, looking back at the past 4.5 years since I've been in university, I know of 4 people who have died so far. So the statistics aren't so surprising after all; they're outright scary.

It makes me reflect on my life up to this point. So far my life has been a failure. I do much but have accomplished little. I am not good at what I do at the moment (i.e. medicine), and I have lost touch with what I was once good at. In other words, if I were to cease to exist today, it would make no difference to the world's intellectual capital pool whatsoever.

In addition, I have failed to be to the people around me what they have been to me. There have been so many people who have touched my life, some more than others but each in their unique way. I seem to take them for granted, for I've never done anything for anyone in return - I am so selfish. I can only imagine the guilt that shall befall me if one of them were to vanish from existence tomorrow. This and yet each day rolls by and I seem to take no steps towards the rectification of this shortcoming.

So now, not only do I fall short of the glory of God but I also fall short of deserving anything from man. For that, I have no-one to blame but myself.

A needless loss of life is always sad, but it was the second half of his posting that really struck me. Like I said, I know at least a little of this guy's life from reading his blog. He has set up his own tutoring company, tutors many high school students, seems to be financially self-sufficient as a student, and has time to exercise and socialise with a group of close friends. A fairly decent life by all accounts. So for him to say his life is a failure (so far) made me think about my own life. I too am not good at medicine, and I too have lost touch of what I was once good at. I've heard people say that it is unfair to compare, that some of the brightest students study med so it not unreasonable that I am no longer among the best. But sadly my malaise is not just underachievement, but under-motivation and under-application (forgive me for making up words). I seem to lack passion for my studies and can never seem to concentrate 100% in the same way I can for other non-study activities.

I think it is partially it is my vocation; medicine is not something I regret choosing to study, and nothing else interests me enough that I would give up medicine to pursue it. Yet I don't feel passionate about medicine. But must I? Some I know view medicine as a job, as any other job, to put bread on the table and a BMW in the driveway (kidding about the BMW). Others view it as a community service, that they are pursuing for the betterment of mankind. And I know the wider community view seems to be that doctors must sacrifice themselves for their community, and that they are the devil-incarnate if they dare to desire high levels of renumeration. I think my view falls somewhat inbetween; I chose medicine because nothing else seemed more interesting at the time, it was a stable profession that is transferable across geographic locations and always in demand, and it at least enabled me to do something meaningful and worthwhile ie helping people. I always knew other professions paid better and I was OK with that. But I also view it as just a job, so I can have a decent house, be able to pay the bills and send my future kids to a good school. I don't really seem to have any passion to excel, to become a professor of something something. I feel a bit directionless, unsure of my future and what avenues to pursue. I think my only real ambition is to become a competent doctor, someone who won't kill anyone because of their gross negligence. Idealistic aren't I?

Anyway, back to this guy and his posting. As much as he puts himself down, my life seems much emptier than his. One of my big regrets is that I haven't made much effort in regards to my friends. I am by nature a fairly introverted person, but have made a number of friends through highschool, college, and university. But especially since I moved out of college, I have not made much effort to keep in contact with these people, and we have drifted further and further apart. In someways this is a normal thing, people grow and change, graduate and move on with their lives. But still it is sad. And because of my introverted nature (or maybe it is just an excuse), I have not made efforts to meet new people and to expand my social horizons. In many ways it feels safer to stick with what you know and not to extend oneself. I would like to change, but whether I have the strength is another matter.

The Big A

I think I've got early-onset dementia! Let me explain. I had a session this afternoon at Alzheimer's Australia with some other med students. We heard a guy talk about his father, who started exhibiting signs of dementia in his mid-50s. Obviously I'm not 50, but it really struck home that not everyone who develops dementia is 70-80 years old (though the majority are). Anyway, my memory has been crap for at least the last 3-4 years (I can't remember how it was before that! pun intended). Maybe the explaination is early-onset dementia, though I sure hope not. It was quite touching hearing the guy and another unrelated lady's story about their dad and husband respectively, how difficult it was to see them slide gradually into the abyss until they were not longer the same person. The lady mentioned that when she heard her husband had finally passed away (he was in a nursing home at this point), her first reaction was relief, then guilt at feeling relieved. But she felt the relief understandable and the guilt unjustified, as she had long since grieved over the loss of her husband, and while his body had persisted, the person she married was long gone.

The whole session gave good insight into just how hard and overwhelming it can be to care for someone with a chronic illness, especially one such as dementia (with Alzheimer's being the most common type). It is difficult in a physical sense, with the person behaving erratically and sometimes violently, wandering and doing other potentially unsafe things, often doubly incontinent in latter stages. But also it is confronting in an emotional sense, seeing them gradually change from the person you loved and cherished, into someone who is unrecognisable and often doesn't even recognise you, their loved one. A shell of their former selves. Heart-wrenching stuff...

Anyway, back to my memory problems. It is really quite annoying, and makes study quite difficult. Hopefully it isn't progressive, as it might make being a doctor a bit challenging to say the least. But perhaps it is more an attention problem, rather than a memory problem per se. Since learning things and forming memories requires one to actually pay attention, and my attention span is really crap. I used to read books for pleasure as a junior highschooler, but now I'd be lucky to read through an article on theage.com.au without getting distracted.

Which brings me onto another point...the internet. Great invention (thanks Al Gore). Fantastic source of information, makes the world a smaller place etc etc. I don't need to go on as you've probably heard enough of how great it is. But it is THE most insidious form of procrastination known to man. It is shameful the numbers of hours I waste on the net doing absolutely nothing without even realising the time has passed. I feel really guilty and I've tried cutting back, but still I find myself wasting tons of time on the net (like now, updating this blog instead of studying for my exams, which start in less than 3 weeks). OK time to make a change...starting from now.

Happy Bday to Me!

Hmm can't believe that it has been over 3 months since I posted, shows how exciting my life is huh? :) Well partially that, and also I've been caught up in work and been too lazy to bother writing anything. Well time to make up for it, I'm just sitting here waiting for 3am to roll around, going out with my best ex-college friend Ongy who is visiting for a few days from Malaysia. We going out with him and his bro to watch Man Utd get trashed by the invincible Chelsea...it'll be a sad sight but will be nice to hang out with Ongy after not seeing him for nearly a year.

So what I have been up to since the end of July? well uni-wise, I did a two-week block in an Emergency Dept, was quite fun and exciting at times. Put in half a dozen IV lines, put in an urinary catheter into some old guy, did a few plaster casts, and even put 5 stitches in for this guy who's arm fell onto a metal spike on a construction site. Then had 6 weeks doing psychiatry, which was a very interesting and confronting experience. Made me think a bit more about my own life and why I act they way I do in certain situatitons, and why I (and others too) think and react in certain ways. One pattern I noticed was that a LOT (like over 75%) of patients with psych problems bad enough to be in the hospital have had really fucked up childhoods...things like childhood sexual abuse, physically and mentally abusive parents, etc etc. Makes me wanna be a damn good parent...when (and if) I become one...heheh.

Right now uni-wise, I'm doing this ultra boring rotation called RAPP, which stands for Rehab, Aged Care, Palliative Care, and Psychiatry of Old Age. They all kinda inter-related (ie stuff relevant to old people), but it is so uninteresting it is not funny. Which is why I don't mind skipping tomorrow so I can sleep in after staying up to watch the soccer.

Had a funny day last Thursday. Started with me sleeping in because I turned my phone to silent the night before when I went swimming, and forgetting to turn it back off silent. Luckily I startled awake at 8:30 (had a tute at 9am, at a hospital about 40mins drive away), woke up my housemate (who unwisely chooses not to set his own alarm, and just gets woken up by the noise I make when I get up), rushed like a madman and got ready in 10 mins (which is ultra quick for me, I like to stew over breakfast, eating my cereal while reading newspapers online). Then my housemate and I drive to hospital in seperate cars (because we going to diff hospitals after the tute). Green light turns to orange, I accelerate to rush through the light, remember the $200 fine I got last semester for running an orange light, slam on the brakes, my housemate behind me doesn't notice and slams on his brakes too late... *crunch* what a horrible sound...but the damage was surprisingly minor...a 2-3cm dent on my back bumper, that's about it, no paint chipped or anything.

Anyway, we keep driving and about 15 mins later I'm stuck at a red light behind this school bus full of girls, maybe 13-14 years old? dunno..anyway, they're all waving at me so I wave back for a bit, then look down to check on my phone. Suddenly I see a flash, I look up and one of the girls is holding a digital camera. OMFG...I was half flattered and half weirded out.

But the weirdness doesn't end there...later in the day, I'm in a rehab ward, just finished talking to a patient and her husband, saying my thankyous and goodbyes, then this 40ish intellectually disabled lady (in a slurred voice stereotypical of an intellectually disabled person) goes, "Mmm you're a good-looking sort aren't you? I like the look of you...you have nice dark skin like me." I mutter a quick thanks and get the hell outta there...thinking "uhh you are white caucasian, your skin looks nothing like mine." So that was my day of weirdness...seems the only people of the opposite sex interested in me (other than my beautiful gf, who is normal in a good way) are underaged girls and intellectually disabled women...so how flattering ;)

OK think I've crapped on long enough, I should read through my traumatic brain injury notes before I go watch the game. I'll just leave with a few photos from tonight, went out for dinner with some of my uni friends to celebrate my 23rd Bday: